Today just...I'm not even really sure. I actually SLEPT in 6th, 7th, and 8th period. Like not even a nap, full on sleep. I'm still tired. And I'm still dealing with what happened with the guy. I told Hannah the jist of it and how Celsie said I should just move on and she was like "What?? You can't just move on from that!". Made me feel better that someone is thinking like I am. He legit dates that girl now. She's ugly. Wonder how it feels to downgrade bitch :] But if I went my whole life never seeing him again, I'd be just fine. People were noticing I wasn't the same. I just kept saying I had a headache. Wish I could go back and never do any of those things. 

Only two more exams left--Chem and history. My two WORST subjects. So this is gonnna be awesome. Had to take a chem test today and I wasn't even close to finishing when the bell rang and neither was anyone else so she is going to do something to where we can work on it again tomorrow or something. I just looked at it and was like "Whaaaaa?" Gonna fail chem. Don't even care anymore.

We get yearbooks tomorrow so that's cool then we have this yearbook day thing where we go outside and just hang out and sign yearbooks and whatnot. Got a call from Judy telling me I had to be at church Wednesday since I'm on the homecoming committee and social committee. Haven't been to church in awhile. I had Grease and then the brother and nephews came and exams and all this stuff was piling up on me. It was a voice mail and she didn't sound happy...Oh well. I can't please everyone. Friday I'm going out with Justin, Celsie, and Nic :] Nic and I finally get to hang out and this kinda decides whether we date or not. So I'm nervous lol. 

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

The Hesitant,

-Juliet H.

What's your time worth? A good deed? Praise and congratulations? Feeling of happiness of helping a friend? Yeah, I know what all those feel like. Especially the last one. Kinda sick of being abandoned at the last moment when I really need it by people I thought I could rely on. I don't even know why I thought they'd do something for me. They never do. I have to beg constantly for them to help me or do something for me. Yet I do things without even being asked. One sided? Very much so. Thought I finally had people that wouldn't leave me when I'm desperate. Nope. They're just like my parents, my siblings, every boyfriend and every friend I've had. It's always one sided. I'm always fighting for things to work. I'm the one that genuinely cares about you. Is it guilt and pressure that makes you break? You're just like all of them. Will I ever find someone that doesn't treat me like them? I'm tired of only being involved when it's convenient. Why am I constantly being walked on? I just want one person. One. One person that willing to give as much as I do. One person that is able to step outside of what it best for them and do what's best for someone else. I can't be alone in this, can I? I'm loosing it again. Loosing everything. They make it look so easy. Just a buzz from whatever you can get your hands on. Do they ever see them crashing from their high? Probably not. They stay in the clouds. It's a better place there. Reality doesn't exist there. Problems don't exist there. You can do what you want. Nothing matters. Why would you ever want to come down? The best high always comes after your worst crash. Only reason why people crash. Or that they're empty. Most do it to run from the real world. Because for awhile, you're perfectly okay. Happy. And you can't beat that. How much would you pay to be happy? The answer is anything. Luckily it has a price tag. How else are we suppose to go through this shit? I can't go through this. I can't deal with the problems I keep putting off. I'm sick and I can't deal with it. I don't know how. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of the meds. Just let me die already. What's your time worth if you knew the person you were spending it with didn't have forever? What if I went to bed and didn't wake up? Or took a .45 to my temple? Or said fuck it and took all the meds I own. I wonder if you would have any regrets. I wonder if you would regret not being there for me. I would give anything to have her back from the grave. You don't know what you have till it's gone. I do try to savor every moment but sometimes I forget. (This isn't specific to anyone really by the way. Just you in general.)

This whole blog has been impulsive. Normally I wouldn't be as blunt as this. Not caring as much anymore.

The Vented,

Juliet H.